Monday, February 15, 2010

Inside of me...

I'm not sure how to write what I feel led to say, but I hope that after my saying it, someone through it will be encouraged by my divulging on deeper thoughts and open heart struggles,joys,and curiosity inside me.

I'm not sure what God's doing, and everything in me wants to stop blogging what's on my heart at this momment...everything except for the prompting inside that for some reason (one which I may never know) tells me I must continue to walk in obedience and trust and write.

Facts: It's as if He's trying to push me a mother bird nudges her chicks to fly. The only difference is to everyone else it seems I've already been flying for about 3 years - Speaking and singing - being given opportunity to use my gifts and watching Him work. But in the last several months and then (most intrusively and intricately)in the last couple of weeks, there's been footprints of His working that I can't fully trace, I can only follow onward. I know He's leading me to a new overlook...not that what I'll be doing will be different, but somehow I just sense and honestly know that the wind of His Spirit will be felt and seen as more powerful from that position. In the last couple of weeks I've had random people pray over me. Random from my view but their words over me proved this was no random interaction. They were praying over me things that I never could have told fact a couple of them, I don't even know their names. There's something that happens when you know that someone is touching something raw in the heart that you thought was protected and in pristine condition and health without any effort and with utmost gentleness and love. I would through tears ask Him to remember and remind me of all they were was too much to take in. Then this morning I decided to obey and pursue a direction He had laid on my heart for touring against my self-propelled instinct and initiative to hold my ground and not move till I was more sure of His voice being His voice. :) Difficult to accept, but it's true that if I'm unwilling to act on something He's told me to do is the same as to disobey. Soon after my call of obedience, I checked my facebook just to get back to someone that had wanted to get together. I found a message from a friend from Korea saying only this, "this morinng, you were in my dream... hum interesting yah?! you werew very powerful preacher that i never able to imagin...:) well! i guess i missed you that much or God probably using you that way~! n either way, good to see you somehow hahahaha be blessed." The weird part is that I haven't seen this friend since 2002 and she has never heard me speak...and knows little of what I'm currently doing. Overflow...this time of tears on my part...I even put my sweater I'm wearing over my if to hide - Yeah, I don't we have even a chance of hiding from His sight...and His desire and commitment to move in His will and way.

It started (the people praying over me most prominent on my mind in the last 2 weeks) the night after an event at my church for the Mocha Club. I watched in great delight through my blurring tears as some people had raised money to provide running water for some of the impoverished and helpless friends in Africa. I was moved by their stories but realized that in me was an intensifying pressure (like a gyser getting ready to blow) in me - I'm coming to grips with the very likely possibility that maybe I have seen more than most already in my life-time. These performers were excited enough about one trip to Africa that they put on an entire web-based fund-raiser to help the dream of continuing their mission on a much grander scale! What was I doing with - what could I - should I do with all that He's allowed me to experience? There's more... but how? Get to the root...What was my mission? MY MISSION...MY LIFELONG desire, project, fund-raiser, and every endeavor and ounce of my actions and heart beats to promote JESUS...just Him (and to help people know not just His saving grace but more of WHO He is as treasured in the non-confined but rather truth-consumed, freedom-revealing, and Love-confirming Word of God). Simple? Nowhere close! Overwhelming? My head is barely above water yet I'm somehow breathing just fine. Exciting...I can't sit long enough to write the rest...

Realization: I know that God is working - doing something much bigger in me and about to be through me than I want to know about. I literally find myself wanting to hide under something that is a lot more sturdy than I feel my heart and emotions - who I am - is.

: I am a follower...of CHRIST. I don't follow myself, my own longings, my tendencies, or my pride. I may be tempted and pulled by them at times, but I cannot and will not live my life for me. I refuse to waste what I've been given.
Conclusion: I am much weaker than I ever expected to find in my own strength...I have NONE. I am much stronger when walking in obedience than can be explained as "my doing."
Conclusion: I love HIM. I love HIM. I Love my King. I'm moved to awe...deepening awe of Him everytime I dare to forego business to seek; I dare to turn my dreams into prayers of faith; I dare to leave my way of doing things on the table so that He can show me the banquet He has to include the desires, talents, and gifts He's implanted to produce in me the glory He designed me to reflect and the fruit He is preparing me to bear.

I asked my friend the other day, "You think I'm about to die?" I don't really think that I am, but deep down I wondered...not because I wanted to die, but because I wondered how that this closeness and sweetness with Him could get much greater...if this love of Him grows more every day then how can a human frame contain it? Maybe that's the point...I want to be poured out in love of Him (kind of like a mother-to-be yearns for the painful promise/process of labor). How many stories He gave us of "overflowing." (The widow/ Elisha...and the jars and other stories(I and II Kings), the resurrection power He not only provides but has given us to walk in and with as His own (Eph. 1), the overflowing on grace that we read about countless times in the lives and wanderings of myriads of people called His own, the Ebenezer recounting "Thus far has the LORD helped us (Joshua?), on and on...

So, inside, I fear saying that there's more...that will almost make all that's been done seem completely over-estimated and under-delivered when it comes to the amount of power He's willing to shine forth from wretched vessels such as I am. I am intrigued and the drive within that He's given me will allow me to a minute. But, can I just sit in wide-eyed wonder first? Only I know how much I don't know what I'm doing and how much I am dependent on Him and helpless to produce anything good.

I trust You Lord...You are GOOD and You are my all...You are my provision and MY ALL (did I already say that? There's a reason I repeated it)...