What I learned about myself this morning...

I admit that struggled to concentrate through an amazing time with the Body of Christ at Chicago Tabernacle yesterday morning. It was as though there was a battle going on in my heart and my mind keeping me from being where I was. It felt intangible and something I couldn't fight because I couldn't put my hands around it and throw it out. I prayed and made a decision to struggle through it - to just not face it and yet praise Him with them. It's much easier to lay down before Him than to try to fight the battle first. :)

Then this morning, I awoke earlier than my body wanted to and found myself struggling through what I wanted to do for my family and how I was going to finish all the work I had to do while here at the conference...yes, even though I was at a conference to learn and grow my to-do list was still by my side. After writing my heart down into words in my weary journal, I felt the Lord told me to kneel. It was as if He had chiropractic work to do on my heart and was telling me the position I needed to be in so that He could fix me.

As quickly as I knelt (which doesn't always happen), He began to show me that I was thinking of myself and not others...even in my wanting to serve my sisters and brother while here in Chicago for a week. I wanted to do for them what needed to be done instead of what they might have wanted. Like getting socks for Christmas or a broom for my birthday...I was giving them what I thought they needed instead of being to them what they may have wanted. I hadn't yet lived this out, but little did they know how much I had already planned in the one full day of being here - I was determined to accomplish...cleaning, cooking, filling the freezer with meals, switching an office for a bedroom while they were at work (and the conference had yet to begun)...things that they had mentioned or I thought would help them excel further! WHAT? Yes, I was planning this and feeling a pressure like I could never just sit down and work...I had a team forming back home that needed my attention, tours that needed to be worked out and prayed over. Is no one else this busy? Does anyone understand me and the weight that "God" has placed on me? It was as if deep down inside everything (even and especially people) were becoming something keeping me from the discipline, service, and seeking after Jesus that I longed for. I feel most fulfilled when I'm reading, writing, studying the Word, disciplining myself, keeping my life organized and purposeful the way I want it.

YET, I had watched God work in me over the past couple of years a wonderful freedom to be (at least much more) where I was and with the people while I was with them. The struggle had been pushed much deeper...people couldn't see the struggle much any more because I had gotten really good at not believing it was there myself! Till this morning...God had something else to tell me too..."I'm just as pleased with the unfocused time! (or what I saw as that...not focused on what I wanted to like a task-master control myself to be focused on)" To me, my life had become one or the other...Times where I was doing what I thought disciplined life looked like and times when others were keeping me from doing that! Those were the two categories in my life...and due to the growth in my walk and life I had seen through the growth He had brought me through (discipline being a huge lesson), I craved more of the discipline. My new drug of choice..."DOING"...once again I had been drawn back to it's lulling coo. I no longer felt my worth in what I was doing, rather I had begun to (subtle) find my satisfaction and contentment in being able to be more disciplined and anything keeping me from that was becoming a frustration. There were certain tasks God's given me and will lay on my heart throughout a day...goals that must be reached and others that depend on me for things I must deliver. BUT, when it comes to my life and focus...it must be on Him alone...not even on me editing my way through seeking after Him. Lord, You lead me.